Be in my Dream

Be in my dreams.
I had a dream
For SANDY

I had a dream, I had a dream last night,
I was standing in a field, in a field so bright. I was standing in a wheat field, so golden, bright as the sun. I knew I was dreamin, then I saw you, standing in my field of gold. You touched my arm, you said I know you, someone’s gonna break your heart, I asked please tell me, who you are in the daytime? You said to be careful, cause someone was coming, coming to break my heart. You said in the daytime, you will know what I mean. I looked around, I saw no one, no one to be seen. I asked you please, please tell me now. Cause in the daytime, I don’t remember my dreams. I feel I know you, I know I love you, but I can’t tell who you are. You said in the daytime, I would remember, I’d remember your name. Then I looked, you were gone. I didn’t know your name. The field was warm, so golden and bright, I could lay here, I could stay here all day and night. I needed to see, what you were talking about, or who? My heart isn’t broken, I am in love with a man, and he’s in love with me. When I awoke, I don’t recall who you were. I know you knew me, I know I loved you, but in the daytime, I couldn’t see who you were. I let you go, I let go the dream, but I miss the golden wheat field. How do I get back, I was comfortable and warm. I am not broken, not broken at all. Maybe just give me some time. written by © Tarl Michael Jespersen

America Finds Five - 5%

America is Five percent

Five 5%
I went to the RA doctor in September 2018, I was in much pain. The doctor said he would give me a shot of steroid. I told the doctor that I was allergic to steroids. He asked “what do you mean”? I told him that I go crazy, I want to kill myself, I want to kill others, I want to drive my car into a brick wall. I hate everybody and everything. I want to cry constantly. I want to drink alcohol even though I am sober 14 years, I am paranoid, believing everyone hates me, everyone is out to hurt me. Steroids screw up my entire thought process. The doctor tells me that a shot of steroid is not the same a Prednisone or other oral steroids. The doctor states that only 5% of people in clinical study of steroids are allergic. I respond, “okay, I am one of those 5%”. The doctor asks, “so have you ever had an injection of steroid.” “No but I don’t want to take any chances”. The doctor continues, “so you studied to be a doctor and know all about medicine as I have”? And you are questioning my ability as your doctor”? “No” I said.

I accept the shot of steroid out of shame and humiliation. Over the next 5 months I was absolutely insane, I was crazy, I wanted to kill myself, I want to kill others, I want to drive my car into a brick wall. I wanted to drink alcohol. I hated everybody and everything. I wanted to cry and sob constantly. I was paranoid, believing everyone hated me, everyone was out to hurt me. Steroids screwed up my entire thought process.

I didn’t realize my mental problems until my mindset returned to normal processing of life which took over 5 months. I went to see my RA doctor and he insisted I take another steroid shot. I said hell no and stuck to my self-knowledge. I allowed a Doctor to humiliate me into accepting something I knew could have tragic results for me. I am to blame. No human on earth knows my body and being better than I do.

“NO MORE” is tattooed across my heart.

Now for me, I realize that being gay is the same as the 5% bullshit the doctor pulled on me.
I am one of the 5% who is gay.
I know who and what I am, I know what my God wants and expects of me. I experience hate and hurt by those who claim to know what being gay is and is not. I know that I was born gay.
But the demigods have told me my entire life that I don’t know what I am talking about or experiencing. Demigods (those calling themselves Christians) have told me that my life being gay is a lie and a sin.
Many times, in my life I have believed that thoughtless ignorant Christian demigods know more about me than I do. I hid most of my life, and to be part of society in the 1990’s, I gave up everything of importance to me, my job, my house and my partner. For the Christian demigods lies.
I was told by my pastor, to follow Exodus International for reparative therapy, so God would make me straight. God told me personally, “He cannot change a leopard’s spots”. My pastor said I misunderstood God’s words, “He, God, would not change a leopard’s spots”.
Why did I listen to the pastor and not God? Because, while I did not want to be the same as these Christian demigods, I didn’t want to be different from, either.
I was a fool, I am one who belongs to the 5% of good, honest, loving humans.

The reality is that I know who I am and what the One true God does and does not do, can and cannot do in my life.
No self- righteous human hiding behind God, calling themselves Christians, demigods, know anything about my being.

It has taken me a lifetime to say “NO MORE”, to the real fools, the Christian demigods, who pretend to know about God, or what God wants in the being of others.

I believe in One God, The God of pure love, love for love sake only.
I believe that God expects absolutely nothing in return for His love.
If there are more than one God, the other God is the God of fear and hate.
Like Christian demigods, the God of fear is wanting and expecting something from me in return for their acceptance.

“NO MORE” is tattooed across my heart.
written by © Tarl M Jespersen