The Reluctant Queer

Short Bus is first 28 pages of my story
Riding the short bus home.
The Sun shines bright - The sun is bright and through an open kitchen window the light filters the dust particles through the air. A little boy jumps with out stretched arms, trying and trying to catch each speck of dust. Jumping higher, higher an impish laugh comes from 3 year old Tarl. Look they float through the kitchen window too. Little Tarl was amazed as the beams of sunlight hit and show off each of the specks of dust. If I stand on something big I can catch those specks way up there. At 3, Tarl feels so smart pulling open each kitchen drawer, just like stairs he thinks to himself. Oh what fun! Once on the counter top, grabbing, grabbing, but each hand is empty as he opens his tiny fist. Tarl thinks it funny how specks disappear when he opens his tiny hand. Tarl looks for the next speck he hopes to capture; he is distracted by the different color bottles high up on a shelf. Thinking to himself, look over there on that shelf, its daddy's pills. With no thought at all, Tarl opens the pill bottle and gobbles down the pills. Oh no! Just then Tarl hears someone coming in from the yard. Tarl thinks, “If dad finds out I ate his candy he'll beat me”. In a quick glance, Tarl sees the vitamin jar on the same shelf. It’s full. And the sweet little angel face boy with amazingly big beautiful blue eyes takes out a small handful of vitamins to replace the pills he ate. There, no one will know. With a big smile on his face, Tarl is so proud of himself. As Tarl is climbing down off the drawers he sees his mom come walking through the door. Her arms are full of laundry. "Tarl, what are you doing"? "Go in the bedroom and play"! Little Tarl with his white blonde hair and big blue eyes scampers off to his room to play. Tarl is suddenly very tired and climbs up on his bunk bed. Fast to sleep. In the hours that pass, Jeanne the dark haired mother of six, hasn't got a clue what has happened. Since doing laundry and picking up around the duplex, she realizes that she hasn't seen Tarl for hours. Neil, Tarl’s younger brother has been playing with his toys on the living room floor for the past several hours. "Karen", Jeanne yells to her oldest daughter, "Go find your brother". Off to the bedroom Karen goes, reporting back to Jeanne, "Mom, he's asleep and won't wake up". Jeanne goes into the bedroom only to find Tarl lifeless and limp as a ragdoll. Frightened, she franticly gathers her purse and keys and rushes Tarl off to the hospital. After an hour in the waiting room, a young, obviously inexperienced doctor comes into the waiting room. The doctor approaches Jeanne, "Ma’am, I can't find anything wrong, take the boy home and give him lots of coffee". Shocked by the doctor’s response, Tarl’s mom waits impatiently for her family doctor to arrive. Knowing she would feel more comforted, Jeanne had called her doctor while sitting in the waiting room. The family doctor rushes in and finds Tarl limp. He examines the child then immediately pumps the boy’s stomach. Just as he suspected, the doctor finds traces of pills in Tarl’s stomach. Dr Sullivan has been prescribing Charles, Tarl’s father, with tranquilizers for several years now. In Tarl’s unconscious little mind all is dark and void, frightening and lonely. “Jeannie” the doctors says, “Go home, there is nothing more we can do at this point.” With tears streaming down her face, Jeanne heads back to the duplex, where five frightened and bewildered children await. When Jeanne arrives home she notices that the neighbors have trash cans setting out at the street for garbage pick-up. The top of the trash is peppered with prescription drug bottles. Jeannie just sighs, now she believes she knows what has happened to Tarl. Hours later, Charles still has not arrived home. Jeanne packs the children into the station wagon and heads off to the hospital. Once inside she stops at the nursing station. “How is my son? How is Tarl doing?” “Ma’am he’s in a coma”. Dazed, Jeanne starts to cry, “where is he, where is my son, where is Dr Sullivan?” Dr Sullivan meets Jeannie as she is heading down the long white sterile hallway leading through the emergency room. Not sure where she is going Jeanne by instinct is just walking looking for her boy. ”Jeannie, he is in here”. As the doctor directs her to a near by room. Jeannie is not sure what to expect, fearful of seeing her son dead. As Dr. Sullivan shows Jeannie to her lifeless son, he states, “Jeanne, he is just barely hanging on, I don’t expect he will make it through the night.” “We lost him twice already. God only knows why he is still here.” “Jeannie, his lungs collapsed, we have done a tracheotomy”. As the doctor points to Tarl’s neck, Jeannie can see a black tube in Tarl’s throat. The doctor points to Tarl’s sides where there are tubes inserted into each side of Tarl’s ribcage to keep him lungs from collapsing again. The next morning Charles makes his way into the kitchen. His head feels like a hammer is hitting him repeatedly. The pounding is slamming unbearably inside is head. Surely a beer will not help at this point. Charles reaches for his tranquilizers only to find 8 vitamins in place of his drugs. Yelling at Jeanne, “what the hell happened to my pills?” “What is this shit suppose to be?” Jeannie realizes that is was not the neighbors discarded pills that Tarl had found. It was his father’s tranquilizers. Furious, Charles screams “what the hell am I suppose to take now.” “Jeannie, Get the Doctor on the phone, I need some help for this headache.” Jeanne calls the Doctor telling him what has happened. “Jeanne,” Dr. Sullivan says, “it only takes two of those pills to calm a charging rhinoceros, imagine what they have done to Tarl’s system.” The doctor continues, “He is still with us, but his pulse is so weak and without the breathing ventilator he would not be here.” Jeanne was fearful, with all the fighting, beatings and trouble she has taken from Charles over the past several years, this was sure to cause Charles to go off on a bender, leaving her alone again to work and care for her six children. And who knows how long he’ll be gone this time! Almost seven weeks have passed since Tarl was admitted to the hospital. The year is 1960. Las Vegas Nevada is a small dusty town. The hospital, Southern Nevada Memorial was a community or county hospital, fairly new, built just 4 years earlier. Tarl is being moved to a different room. At the same time as Tarl is being moved, there has been a horrible car accident in the vicinity of the hospital, the injured have been brought to the emergency room and the orderly who is pushing Tarl’s bed is called to the emergency room to help with the injured. The orderly decides it would be quickest to simply leave the boy and the bed in the hallway and hurry to the E.R. The orderly pushes Tarl’s bed against the wall in the hallway and rushes off. The boy has been in a coma now for several weeks, it is not as if he is expected to wake up. Tarl comes out of a coma to find himself in a brightly lit hallway. Alone, except for a small soft stuffed seal. Tarl is glad to see the toy and all the bright lights. He is happy to be out of the darkness which has surrounded him for some time now. Tarl sits waiting for someone to come by and pay him some much needed attention. Tarl is happy to be awake but his throat is sore. As he reaches to rub his throat he finds something that feels like plastic stuck into his little neck. Jeanne takes the kids to the hospital to visit Tarl, when they arrive at his room they find that Tarl can’t speak. Fortunately there is a nurse standing beside Tarl’s bed, the nurse places her finger over the open tube in Tarl throat. “Now you may speak Tarl,” States the nurse. But Tarl has difficultly trying to get any words out. The nurse lifts Tarl’s gown to show Jeanne and the kids, Tarl has had tubes in each side of his ribs and the one in his neck. The nurse tells the family, “He has had a tracheotomy; the tubes were used so he can breathe”. “He will need to place his finger over the tube to in his throat to speak”. “We hope to have the tubes out in a week or so and once the doctor stitches up his throat he should talk just fine”. Three weeks have passed since Tarl woke from a come, Jeannie brings Tarl home from the hospital. That night Jeannie takes Tarl and his brothers and sisters to meet friends and family at momma J’s house. Momma J is Gods gift to Tarl. Momma J is Charles mother and she never allows Charles to abuse the children in her presence. Tarl’s large family is all sitting around talking about how blessed Tarl has been to survive this horrible experience. Dying twice and making it back only to find a tube stuck in his throat and having to hold his finger over the tube to talk. Tarl has always been a happy, loving, affectionate little boy and everyone was celebrating his coming home. Tarl is sitting on the floor next to Terri, his older sister by 4 years. Tarl finds a popcorn kernel on the floor, with out much thought he picks up the kernel off the floor and pokes it into Terri's ear. Jeannie has her hands full with six children. One of them always seems to be getting into something. Jeannie can't get the kernel out of Terri's ear, so off they go to the hospital. Terri has her ear flushed out. When Jeannie gets home she starts to spank Tarl, but when she pulls down his pants she sees his butt looks just like a pincushion. The marks came from the many shots he required in the hospital. Of course Jeanne has to show everyone in the room Tarl’s tiny pin cushion butt; even the neighbors get a look. 6 months later Charles gets restless and bored easily, he has decided that it is time for a change. As Charles is out driving around town he comes across a nice trailer with a for rent sign in the window. The trailer sits on a 5 acre parcel located on the far north east side of Las Vegas and it is just a couple miles from Nellis Air force base. Tarl along with his family have lived in this duplex for almost three years and Charles thinks a move would be a welcomed change. The Acreage The trailer is dark inside and smells of dirty diapers. Outside it is beautiful. Bright and hot in the Las Vegas summer sun. Charles feels the urge to get out and have a beer, regardless of the fact that his two young sons, Tarl almost 4 now and Neil nearly 2 are in their bedroom asleep. They will be fine Charles tells himself. I'll be back in an hour or so. The door to the trailer closes hard. With a startle, the two boys are awakened. "Neil, get up". Tarl says as he pokes his little brother in the side. "Let's go outside with dad". Neil is shirtless with a wet diaper sagging to his little knees. Tarl is dressed in a striped shirt too small for him, with shorts too big. Both boys rush out the door and down the big steps to the dirt drive way. At the bottom of the stairs they look in fright as their dad has driven down the dirt road and left then behind. Tears come quick to both the little boy's eyes. Tarl grabs Neil by the hand and off they go down the quarter mile dirt road. At the end of the road and across the street sits a house up on a hill. Sitting in a chair on the porch of the house is a woman enjoying the morning paper and warmth of the sun. She sees the small boys at the street. The elderly woman gets to her feet and calls to the boys, "stay there"! The neighbor woman rushes down the hill of her dirt yard to rescue the children. "Where is your father," the neighbor woman asks. Mumbling and tearful Tarl cries, "He left us." The woman realizes that they live on the out skirts of Las Vegas. There is nothing out this way but the Air force base and lots of desert surrounding the acreage's they live on, but the fact is, who knows what could happen to two small boys left alone. Three hours later the neighbor woman watches with the boys as their dad drives home down the dirt road. The neighbor woman takes the boys across the street back to their home. "How could you leave these boys alone in that hot trailer", the woman yells at Charles. "Mind your own business" Charles replies. The smell of alcohol on Charles breath angers the neighbor and she starts to yell at Charles again, but she realizes it would be of no use. To argue with this man in his drunken state will do no good. The neighbor walks off home, hoping the little boys would be okay. Charles takes the boys inside the trailer, slaps them both and yells, "You little brats get in your room", as he pushes them down the hall. Charles then lies down on the couch and passes out. Three days later as Charles is thinking of going out for a beer he remembers the incident with the nosy neighbor. So Charles yells to the kids, all six of them, "get in the truck, we're going for a ride". The kids pile in the back of the truck. The oldest is Karen, she is almost 12, and she holds Neil in her arms as the truck speeds off down the bumpy dirt road that the trailer is located on. Most of the roads in this area of Las Vegas are unpaved dirt roads. Charles pays no attention to the kids in the back of the truck as he hurries to get to the nearest bar. The bar is located on the corner of Nellis boulevard and Lake Mead road just a mile or two from the families trailer. The kids have been sitting in the back of the truck for several hours, "It's hot out here," one of the kids says as they sit waiting in the back of the truck. “Somebody go in the bar and tell dad we need a drink of water”. Nine-year-old Lynn gets up the courage and says "I will". Lynn knows full well that she might get hit for asking her dad for anything. Charles, happy to be at the bar not only brings out 6 small beers but peanuts to go with them as well. Happy to have something to drink, none of the kids mind that the beverage is beer, the kids drink the beer and tell stories in the back of the truck. Downtown Las Vegas can be seen off to the southwest as the children play in and around the truck, at a bar in the hot summer sun. Loretta was a neighbor; she owned a trailer court just behind the acreage where Tarl’s family lived. Tarl and his sisters went to see Loretta often, she was kind, beautiful and to Tarl's amazement she had a tracheotomy tube. When Tarl asked his sister Karen why Loretta had the tube, Karen responded “Loretta smoked too much, she got cancer and they put the tube in her throat.” “I had one of those tubes in my throat and I didn’t smoke?” Tarl replies. “Well that is why the doctors put a tube in her throat.” Karen says, slightly irritated with Tarl’s questions. Tarl doesn’t understand and tells Karen. “I bet when someone goes to the hospital the doctors must put a tube in people’s throats for just about any reason”. Karen simply ignores Tarl. Some months later- It is late and dark outside. And inside the trailer all hell has broken loose. Charles yells franticly, "one of you little bastards flushed the toilet with a diaper in it". The children are sitting in the small living room frightened; each child is just waiting to get hit by Charles. Yelling from the bathroom, Charles says, "Get in here". All six children line up outside the bathroom door trying to peek in. "Stick your hand down that toilet and get that diaper out", Charles screams at Karen. Karen is reluctant, but not wanting to get hit, reaches into the toilet. Tarl is scared but suddenly a big smile crosses his little face. He sees that Karen has a diaper in her hand. Tarl is so glad he didn't have to put his little arm down that dirty toilet. Still mad and yelling curse words, Charles hollers at Jeannie, "Get the hell out and take those damn kids with you". Charles is pushing Jeanne hard down the hallway toward the door of the trailer. Jeanne is frightened; Charles has punched her on more than one occasion. Jeanne grabs the door knob throws the door open, runs out the door, down the 5 foot flight of stairs that lead up to the trailer and she jumps in the car parked beside the steps. Charles is right behind her; he grabs Karen and throws her down the wooden stairs, then Lynn, then Marc, then Terri. Tarl is pressed against the door frame and doesn’t know what to do, Charles pulls Tarl in front of him and lifts his foot and kicks Tarl down the stairs. Karen is at the bottom of the stairs, to defiant to cry, as each child lands on the ground at the bottom of the stairs Karen helps each one into the car. Now that Charles has pushed all but one child down the stairs to the car below, he grabs Tarl’s little brother Neil and picks him up saying "this one is my buddy and he is staying with me". But Neil cry's and struggles, reaching for his sister Karen and Charles realizes he wants nothing to do with his dad. Now Neil cry's for his mom. Charles shoves Neil down the stairs feeling betrayed. Karen grabs Neil and gets him into the car with the other kids. Now all six including Jeanne are in the car as Charles stands at the top of the stair screaming, "And don't fucking come back". Then Charles steps inside the trailer and slams the trailer door hard. Jeannie and her children spend the night at her sisters, only to return to Charles the next day. "Charles says he's sorry and wants us home" Jeanne tells her sister. Feeling she could never care for six children on her own, Jeannie rushes back to Charles. But the abuse doesn’t end. The time spent on the acreage was filled with both good times and bad. There were days of riding old Jackie the jackass around in the corral. While riding Jackie, he would just suddenly sit down. It seemed to be a good way for Jackie to rid himself of his rider. Who ever was riding Jackie at the time would simply slide right off his back. Several times a week the kids would watch as their mom chased the chickens around the dirt yard. On most occasions Jeanne would catch a chicken, grab it by the neck and twirl it around in the air a few times and then snap its neck. Karen and Lynn laughed as Jeanne chased the chickens around the yard, they thought it was funny, when Jeanne went to grab a chicken it would peck her, Jeanne would flinch and curse and just keep chasing until she caught one. On rare occasions Jeanne would catch a chicken then grab a hatchet and hold the chicken to the ground and chop its head off. Tarl didn’t care to watch when that happened because many times the chicken would run around with no head and blood spurting out of its headless body. None of the children liked to pluck the chicken feathers off the dead chicken, but they all knew it was pluck feathers or go hungry. And the kids had gone hungry many times. Tarl liked picking bell peppers and strawberries from the Loretta’s garden. Not only was it fun but they tasted good and filled Tarl’s all too often empty stomach. Loretta was the neighbor who didn’t have a voice box; the woman had to hold her finger to her throat every time she wanted to speak. Karen had told Tarl several times that it was because the woman smoked too much and the doctors had to cut cancer out of her neck. Tarl tells Karen, “Dad smokes maybe he will get one of those tubes stuck in his throat”? Karen replies, “If only.” Tarl remembers having to hold his finger over the tube in his throat after his stay in the hospital, he is glad he didn’t have to wear the tube all his life, like Loretta, the beautiful neighbor woman. Life in the trailer had many scary moments as well. Not only was Tarl afraid of his dad, but the Las Vegas valley was a large open desert which often had strong winds blowing across it. The wind seemed to come out of nowhere and they would blow strong and hard, sometimes for minutes and sometimes for several hours. As the strong winds would pick up speed they would create huge dirt twisters. Tarl’s sisters called these strong winds dust devils and mini tornados. When the desert winds would howl the trailer would shake violently, scaring the entire family. About 10 feet behind the trailer was a pump house. The pump house was made of cinder block and measured only about 6 feet in either direction. Inside the pump house is where the clothes washer and the water tank were located. The pump pulled water up from a well below ground and filled the large metal tank that supplied water to the trailer. Day or night, when the wind started blowing hard, the trailer would shake and the children would run out to the pump house for safety. A dust devil looks just like a tornado, but in the desert it is a whirling spout of dirt, dust and debris. If you were caught near a dust devil, the whirling dirt and debris would hit you at extremely high speed and hurt like hell. There were many times when the kids saw dust devils heading quickly toward them, whirling with sand and large tumble weed inside and the kids would all make a run for the safety of the pump house. On a couple of occasion the kids couldn’t make it to the pump house and would hide under the trailer. One time Tarl remembers Karen grabbing his hand and picking up little brother Neil and making a mad dash to get under the trailer. The dirt twister rocked the trailer back and forth and Karen told her siblings it was not good for them to hide under the trailer because it could be blown down and crush them. Sometimes, you just had to find whatever cover you can make it to and hope for the best. The trailer was located on the outskirts of Las Vegas, just a few miles away from Nellis Air force base. The air base was home to many fighter jets that roared through the desert skies. On many occasions the kids heard a tremendous boom, Karen called them a sonic boom. Too young to understand, Tarl simply knows that the sound was frightening. It was as if the entire sky was going to cave in at any moment. Tarl over heard Karen as she told her sister Lynn that some times the booms were from the nuclear bombs that the government was setting off in the desert just 50 miles north of Las Vegas. Tarl and his family didn’t live in the trailer for long, it has been about 18 months and now Tarl’s family moves from the trailer into a nice housing tract which is still on the north east side of the Vegas valley. It was a big house with three bedrooms and lots of neighbors around for the kids to play with. The trailer Tarl’s family was living in was remote, away from town and the kids didn’t have many friends because of the location. Suburbia The family hasn’t lived in the new house for long and one evening just after sunset there was a knock at the door. Tarl now almost six years old, runs to open the door. There are two huge police officers standing at the door. "Is Charles home", one policeman asks. "Yep, he's asleep right there on the couch". Tarl points across the room to the couch. Charles shirtless and asleep is awakened by the snap of handcuffs slapping down hard on his wrists. "Wait, what the hell is going on?" Charles yells belligerently. "Charles you are under arrest for passing bad checks". As the policemen pull Charles to his feet, all the kids come rushing into the living room to watch as their dad is being taken away, half dressed and half asleep. Charles is yelling, "Damn it I have to pee, let me go pee". But the police just ignore Charles request. Tarl doesn't understand what's happening or why, but Karen explains it to him after the police leave with their dad. "See that new lamp and those new tables, dad didn't have money to pay for them so he wrote a check with no money in the bank". "Don't worry, they won't keep him for long, don't you remember, this happened several months ago, he always comes home the next day". “He’ll be back tomorrow, you’ll see!” Tarl didn’t really mind his dad being gone he thought, one less chance of getting hit. Tarl still just a little confused wonders off to his room to play. The following day, Tarl is playing on the playground at school with several of his classmates. It is a sunny and clear November day with a beautiful blue sky above. From a dark school hallway a teacher emerges, rushing out of a classroom and onto the playground where Tarl and his schools mates are playing for recess. Tarl’s teacher is mumbling and sobbing as she rounds up all the children. "Back to class" she says, crying and sobbing. Tarl can't imagine why all the tears. Fearful, the children hurry back into their classroom and a television set is rolled in behind them. Tarl, along with all the other children not knowing what has happened or what to expect, sit very afraid at the tiny little desk. Tarl’s little heart is pounding quickly as the teacher sobs. Maybe one of those ‘big bombs’ is going to hit us. Then Tarl thinks, shouldn’t we be under the desk. He remembers the movie that the teacher’s show the kids, the movies always have the kids practicing for the time a big bomb hits. The teacher gets the television turned on and a newsman is explaining, "Yes, it is true, President Kennedy has been shot", the news man stated in a very deep voice. How can this be, President Kennedy shot? Tarl wonders. Franticly the teacher tells the class, school has been dismissed. As Tarl goes running down the street to his house, all upset by the teachers actions, as if the world was ending at this very moment. Tarl’s thoughts race "it's not bad enough my dad is in jail, now someone goes and shoots the President. Maybe the world is coming to an end". Tarl turns to look behind him, maybe there are gunmen everywhere and they will just start shooting at any time. Tarl walks to school each day, the distance is only about 10 blocks, as Tarl arrives at his house from school, he sees his dad working on the motor of the family pick-up truck, as if nothing has happened. Tarl hates that truck, it has 6 foot exhaust pipes that run up along both sides of the cab and Tarl has been burned several times by those darn pipes. “Well” Tarl thinks, “I guess Karen is right, the police only keep dad for the night when he does something wrong.” Tarl is neither happy nor upset to see his dad home; he still wonders what will happen to the world without a President. And luckily, there were no gunmen in Tarl’s neighborhood shooting at people. Must be that the shooters were only hiding in the President’s neighborhood? Tarl finds out later that the President wasn’t in own neighborhood when the shooting happened, he was in Dallas, Texas. Boy, Tarl thinks, he hopes his family never moves to Dallas, Texas! Tarl watches on the television with his family as the funeral of President Kennedy is aired. Thoughts of sadness and fear fill Tarl’s little mind, sadness for little John as he attends his fathers' funeral and salutes a flag draped coffin. Sad that someone so good as the President would be killed for no reason. And fear that maybe someone would kill his father, while he is driving in his car. Tarl is sure that his dad would not be missed very much by his brothers and sisters. But it would be sad all the same for Tarl if his father was killed like poor John John’s dad. Tarl shook off the sadness and smiled as he reassures himself since they don’t live in Texas; his father most likely won’t get shot. A Big Black Father Charles bought and sold cars for a living. Charles had many friends who came by the house and had beers with him. Tarl knew that one of Charles friends name was Larry and he worked at the gas station. Charles had taken Neil and Tarl to the gas station many times. Another one of Charles' friends was Big John. Big John was the biggest, blackest man Tarl had ever seen. Big John was bigger than any of the men who Charles was friends with and bigger than any man Tarl had ever seen. Tarl’s older brother Marc often said that John was bigger than the big black Cadillac that Big John drove. Several times Tarl heard his father say to big John, “Why John it’s a good thing those seats in that caddy of yours are white because if they weren’t everyone would think that car was driving itself”. And then Charles would laugh as if he had just told the funniest joke ever. Big John would give Charles a smile, but he never laughed. I guess Big John didn’t think my dad’s jokes were very funny. Big John was a mechanic who helped Charles work on his cars. John always had a big cigar hanging out of his mouth, sometimes it was lit and sometimes he just seems to chew on it when it wasn’t lit. Seemed to Tarl that everything about John was big! Big John talked with a deep, deep voice and all of Tarl's family liked to be around him. When Tarl hears Big John speak, it reminds Tarl of his great-uncle Art, who also speaks with a very deep voice, but of course, Tarl’s Uncle Art is white. John has a big smile; he smiled often with his white teeth showing bright as could be against his big black face. And John was quick to laugh, although Big John never laughed when Charles joked about the white seats in his big Cadillac. John's wife Mary was a nurse and she was one of the most beautiful women Tarl had ever seen. Mary was not black like Big John, she was a light colored black women. When Mary was standing next to a white woman she looked as though she had a nice sun tan. Sort of like Tarl’s Aunt Babe, Aunt Babe loved to lie out in the sun and turn her skin dark. Mary was as kind as she was beautiful and she would often come over to help Jeannie with laundry and do much of the cleaning around the house. When Tarl asked Mary if she has any children, Mary told him that she was not able to have children. Then Mary said, “That is why I help women like your mother care for all their children”. She must really like helping other women Tarl thought, because she said it with a big smile as she patted Tarl on the bottom, sending him on his way. On a hot summer day big John came over to help Charles find used cars to rebuild and sell. Charles has a lease on 2 car lots over on east Fremont Street, where he and John and another friend bought, fixed and sold used cars. Big John comes over to the house to pick up Charles so they could go and look for used cars to buy. Because Tarl is standing close by and he hears the conversation, he asks his father if he could go along, Charles agrees. The summers in Las Vegas can reach up to 115 degrees and today seems to be one of those days. The two men and Tarl climb into Johns car, Big John drives off in his big black Cadillac, taking Charles and Tarl with him to Boulder City to find cars to buy. Boulder City is a small town located outside the Las Vegas valley to the south. It is a well known city to those who are familiar with the construction and building of Hoover dam. The construction workers at the dam needed a place to live while building the dam and Las Vegas was at least 45 minute drive from the construction site. Las Vegas was known for gambling, drinking and prostitution as well as for its hot summer weather. At the time the dam was being constructed there was a marshy area between Boulder City and the site where the dam was being constructed. Boulder City today over looks Lake Mead, the lake was created by the completion of Hooverdam. Boulder City was a great place for the construction workers to live while working on the dam; both prostitution and gambling were forbidden in the city. This helped keep construction of the dam on track and insured that most workers would return to work each day. Once in Boulder City, Big John locates the wrecking yard where he and Charles have found a number of cars in the past. Most of the cars at the junk yard had been in accidents and for one reason or another, the cars were sold to this wrecking yard. As Charles and Big John walk around the yard Tarl can’t help but think of just how hot it is. “Tarl,” Charles calls out. “We’re over here.” Tarl approaches the car that Big John and Charles are looking at. As Charles opens the car door to check out the inside, he covers his nose and mouth with his handkerchief. Charles always carries a handkerchief because he has sinus problems and when Charles isn’t holding a finger to one nostril, blowing his nose directly on the ground, he has a white handkerchief for the job. Well, mostly white, white and green and stiff is the thought that comes to Tarl’s mind as soon as he sees the handkerchief in Charles hand. Tarl walks up to the door to look in, the stench is unbearable and Tarl starts to vomit. Charles grabs Tarl and scolds him saying “Cover your mouth and nose boy.” Charles continues, “Look, that is the scalp of the poor bastard who died in this car.” Charles points up at the headliner in the car. Tarl looks up at the headliner or roof of the car to see dried skin, hair and blood all across the fabric lining the roof. Tarl again begins to heave from the stench of the blood in the hot car. Charles gives him a rough push away from the car. Tarl starts to cry and Charles turns toward Tarl and raises his hand to hit the child. Just then Charles looks up and sees that Big John is watching him, Charles then lowers his hand. “Big John, this one should be cheap, think you can fix it?” “Oh yea,” Big John replies in his very deep voice. Big John puts his big hands on Tarl small shoulders, as Big John pulls Tarl close against his leg and Tarl hugs John’s big leg. “You’re okay boy”! Big John states. Tarl is grateful for Big Johns affection. Kindness and affection is not something Tarl ever received from Charles. Tarl can’t wait to leave this hot, smelly wrecking yard so he walks back and climbs into the back seat of Big Johns big black Cadillac. Even though the seats are white, they are leather seats and scorching hot to the touch. Tarl climbs in and lies down and falls asleep. As Tarl is drifting off to sleep he thinks how great it would be to have Big John for his dad instead of Charles. The perfect neighbors There is a big boy (fat and tall for an 11 year old) name Jimmy who lives next door to Tarl’s family. Jimmy is friends with Terri and Marc. He is about five years older than Tarl. Jimmy has red hair, a fat belly and is always trying to make someone laugh. Jimmy is a funny looking guy as far as Tarl is concerned. Tarl sees Jimmy, Marc and Terri playing in the back yard. Tarl runs over to see what the other kids are up to. Jimmy has a lighter in his hand he lifts his leg and puts the lighter near his butt then farts. Poof! A big flame ignites Jimmy's fart. The kids laugh and laugh as Jimmy does his trick again. Tarl is amazed. Who would have guessed that farts were explosive? One Saturday afternoon, Big Johns wife Mary the nurse, was at the house helping Jeanne. The kids were playing in and out of the house. Tarl notices that his sisters are trying to keep him and his brothers outside. Tarl insists he needs a drink of water and goes in the house. He hears a commotion in the bathroom. Tarl heads to the center of the house were the bathroom is located. Both his mom and Mary were in the only bathroom. Just then Mary rushes out of the bathroom with wet towels in her arms, the towels are covered in blood. Tarl is trying to see what is happening in the bathroom but all he sees is his mom located in the bathtub red with blood. Mary rushes past Tarl toward the washing machine located in the kitchen. As she passes Tarl she says very sternly, “Outside child, now!” Tarl doesn’t know what to think, he just rushes back outside. No one ever speaks of that afternoon; Tarl thinks of it from time to time but is frightened and confused by the incident so he never asks his sisters what was happening. On several occasions Tarl and his family have been invited over to Big John and Mary’s house for dinner. Big John’s house is located in an area of Las Vegas called the west side. The house and yard are clean and neat but the color of the house seems rather odd to Tarl. Tarl and his siblings are staring at the house; his brother and sister make jokes about the color of the house. The color is hot pink and it is the color of double bubble, bubble gum and Tarl decides he likes it. It is a beautiful Sunday afternoon and as Tarl’s family pulls up in front of Big Johns house, Big John comes out to meet the family. Big John is wearing what Tarl calls Sunday clothes. Big John is wearing a purple suede dress jacket, a white shirt with purple slacks and a large black suede hat worn tilted to one side. Big John has his customary big fat cigar hanging out of his large reddish brown lips and a bigger than usual smile on his face. Tarl smiles big with a dimple in each cheek, he is very happy to see Big John and Mary. Tarl runs up to Big John and hugs his huge leg. Big John bends down and pats Tarl on the back and says “good to see you boy”. Tarl just smiles and holds Big Johns leg for a few more minutes until all the kids have come up and surrounded Big John. Mary welcomes Tarl’s family into her home. There is a plastic runner on the floor leading from the front door through the living room and into the kitchen. Mary sees that the kids are not sure what to think of her beautiful floral print sofa and love seat because it is also covered with thick plastic that look similar to the runner on the floor. Mary smiles and says “now you kids get up on the couch and I will bring you something to drink”. Mary continues, “You know John is the greasiest man in Las Vegas. That man comes in my house with grease all over his cover alls and all over his hands and arms. He just sits right down on my sofa as if he doesn’t know any better”. Mary continues, “Can you kids believe that”? She states, “I have to keep plastic on my own furniture just so that man don’t ruin it”. Mary wonders off into her kitchen to get soda pop for Tarl and his brothers and sisters. Tarl decides right then, if he ever has the chance, although he has no idea how it could happen, but right then he decides that Big John and Mary should be his mom and dad! Anyone seen the food It is a bright, sunny Sunday and the family is going to church. Tarl and his brothers, Neil and Marc love church, because after church, in the hallway there are always donuts and milk. Tarl and his siblings seldom find much food in the house, so donuts and milk at church on Sundays is a welcomed treat. "Karen" Tarl asks, "Why doesn't dad come to church"? "Men don't have to go to church if they don't want to". Karen says. "Especially mean, drunk men, like dad". She adds. Karen doesn't like her dad and Tarl is unsure whether he likes his dad or not. What Tarl does know is that he will always stay out of his dad's way for fear of being hit at any moment. After church that day Jeannie and Charles load the children into the truck and take them over to a nearby nursery where all the local Vegas folks buy their plants and trees. When the family arrives at the nursery the kids bolt from the truck and find a large open pit at least 3 foot deep and roughly 6 feet across with wood and charcoal burning in it. It is a barbecue pit. The Davis family owns the nursery and to show appreciation to their customers and friends they are having a barbecue. Because Las Vegas is such a small town it seems everyone knows everyone and all the neighbors and neighborhood children are there. Tarl and his younger brother Neil are playing beside the barbecue pit, running around the pit and throwing stick and rocks at the fire below. Neil comes rushing up behind Tarl and with one big shove pushes Tarl into the pit. Tarl is screaming, his little rubber sandals are burning and melting onto his feet. His hands are stuck to the fiery coals. Mr. Davis hears the screams and comes running to the pit. In a moment Mr. Davis has Tarl in his arms and out of the fire. As Mr. Davis is yelling for Jeannie he reaches into his pocket and grabs out 2 silver dollars then places one in each of Tarl’s little palms. Jeannie rushes Tarl to the hospital with Charles in the passenger seat. During the entire drive to the hospital Charles is yelling and cursing at Tarl for standing to close to the fire. Yelling at Tarl doesn’t seem to make Tarl stop crying in pain, so Charles continues his yelling only now it is aimed at how stupid Jeannie is for not watching the kids. Two weeks pass and Tarl is healing just fine from the blisters that had covered his hands, arms, legs and feet. He has the 2 silver dollars which Mr. Davis put into his hands during the horrifying ordeal. Tarl is young but he is very thoughtful of his brothers and sisters. Since there is seldom enough food to feed all 6 kids, Tarl has a plan. There will be a cake walk at his school this Saturday morning and Tarl decides to win the walk. The object of the cake walk is similar to musical chairs. The person who lands on the spot with a cake beside it may buy that cake or keep walking. Tarl’s plan works, he stops not once but twice next to a cake. Each cake is a dollar, Tarl buys both cake for his siblings to share. What a wonderful day. Tarl is a compassionate boy, if any of his siblings get hurt; Tarl is the first to be at their side to see if he can help them. Tarl was concerned with the happiness of everyone around him. One of neighbor boys whom Tarl played with often had run out into the street in front of his house and was hit by a car. When the boy came home from the hospital he was in a cast that covered the boy from below his ankles up to his belly button. Tarl felt sorry for the boy and not knowing how to help him, Tarl gave the boy his only stuffed toy. Tarl loved his little stuffed seal and decided maybe the neighbor boy would feel better if he gave the boy his seal. Tarl thought, “This seal always helps me feel better”, certainly the neighbor boy would like it too. Two days after Tarl gave his neighbor friend the stuffed seal, Tarl found the toy in the middle of the street located beside his house. The stuffed seal was blackened and torn from many cars running over it. Tarl didn’t know what to think, or why the boy had thrown the toy into the street. Tarl standing on the sidewalk, his feelings hurt, he stared at the toy out in the street. Tarl sat down on the curb and cried. Tarl’s sisters were creative at finding games to play, like the time his sisters were playing doctor with him. They laid him on one of the beds, pulled off his shirt and poured ketchup all across his stomach. As Tarl lifts his head to see the mess on his stomach, the two girls tell him he is going to die because the ketchup is really his blood and he has been in a bad accident. Tarl is young and gullible and it doesn’t take much convincing from his sisters insisting that he will die. Tarl starts crying and as his crying gets louder, the girls can’t get him to stop. They wipe off the ketchup and tell Tarl he going to live. But Tarl doesn’t believe them. He just keeps crying. He’s been in the hospital once and it was no fun, Tarl doesn’t want to go back to the cold hospital. Karen spots a large sucker on her dresser. The sucker is a keepsake, it is about 6 inches round and one of those made in a spiral with many assorted colors. Karen grabs the sucker and offers it to Tarl. Tarl finally stops crying. The girls run out of the room laughing. Karen laughs, “He is really a sucker and he is not real smart”. Lynn repeats “yeah, he’s not real smart”. Tarl, holding his new sucker in his mouth, thinks just how smart he really is for getting his oldest sisters prized sucker. A little fear and some tears were worth a sucker. There were all sorts of fun things for the kids to do around the neighborhood and one day the girls decide to go for a bike ride over to the cement drain canal just a few streets away. The canal is located parallel to Washington street, Washington is one of the major east, west streets in Las Vegas. Tarl is riding on the back of his sister Lynn’s bike. They make it to the canal and look down at the running water, just about two feet across. The debris along the canal is covered in green moss. The kids, Karen, Lynn, Terri and Tarl all make their way down to the water. Karen tells her siblings to be careful because if they fall on top of the moss they will get gang green and loss what ever part of their body that touched the green moss. Surely Tarl will not touch the moss, he doesn’t want to loss any of his little body parts. Karen, Lynn and Terri are walking back and forth across the small creek, playing a game of making it across and back without falling in and getting wet. Tarl wants to play. He starts to cross, slips and bam, he falls. His little hand touches some of the green slimy moss. Tarl is quick to cry, as he looks down at his hand and sees some green moss stuck to it. His sisters start to laugh and tell him he is going to loss his hand. Tarl cries even harder. Crap, Lynn thinks, now I will have to listen to his crying all the way back home since Tarl is riding on the back of Lynn’s bike. The girls stop laughing and try to console Tarl. “What a baby you are.” Terri says. “It is just moss and you will not loss your hand.” Tarl is not sure because Karen always seems to know what she is talking about and she had said touch the moss and loss that body part. Tarl continues crying. The girls load up, back on the bikes and head off home. Lynn tells Karen, “He’s not very smart,” as she nods her head toward Tarl. The girls laugh. The Movers About six months later Tarl’s family moves to another house. The house they left behind was filled with ticks. There were ticks of every size and shape, the infestation was so bad that an entire living room walls were covered with the little blood suckers. Tarl’s family had a large dog, it was a Great Dane. The combination of large quantities of loose dirt in the back yard and the family dog having freedom to roam in and out of the house, created a big problem. Tarl had to pick ticks from his skin on many occasions. A few times Tarl found ticks on his little balls and boy it hurt pulling them off. Marc, who is older than Tarl, takes his fathers lighter and once lit, holds the flame to a tick on his arm. POP. The tick explodes and blood runs on Marcs arm. Tarl is afraid of burning the ticks off, especially the ticks located in his crotch and on his balls, “ouch” that would really hurt he thinks. Tarl and his family move into a beautiful 4 bedroom house with a beautifully landscaped yard. The next day as the family starts to open boxes and unpack Charles enters the house screaming. “Get this shit packed back up, we aren’t staying”. Jeanne and her kids’ place the unboxed items back into the boxes and wait for Charles instructions. Tarl is far too young to understand what has happened and he knows better than to ask Charles anything. The boxes are packed and the next morning the family moves. The next house Tarl’s family moves into is located just down the street from Charles' mother. Tarl and Neil could not be happier. Momma J, Charles' mom shares her house with her sister Aunt Ida. Momma J’s name is Selmaand she is from Sweden, Tarl doesn’t remember his Poppa J, he was told that his grandpa passed on. Momma J is only about 4’10 and she is pretty plump. Momma J is short, plump, has saggy cheeks and saggy upper arms and Tarl and his brother Neil spent as much time as they could with Momma J. and Aunt Ida. Tarl believed that there could not possibly be two more loving little old ladies on Gods earth. When Tarl and his brother Neil are fortunate enough to spend Sunday at Gramma J’s house the boys attend church with their Momma J and Aunt Ida. Both boys love Sunday with Momma J, Sunday nights the boys get to choose what ever they want for Sunday dinner. Cereal is usually the choice and the old women don't make a fuse about what the boys chose for dinner. After dinner, the four play bingo on the kitchen table. The boys are sure to win lots of pennies from their Momma J and Aunt Ida. Both Tarl and Neil spend many nights with Momma J. and Aunt Ida. The old women dote over their grand babies, with bubble baths, mints by their bedsides and always lots of toys. Momma J keeps a box of toys under the beautiful dark cheery desk which is located against a wall in the center of the living room. When ever the boys stayed with Momma J they were required to take an afternoon nap. Both of the old women took a nap each day. If Charles happened to be there during the day, then Charles took a nap on the sofa. Tarl hated it when Charles was there at Momma J’s with them. Tarl wanted as much attentions from his gramma as possible and didn’t want to share his Momma J with mean, nasty Charles. Tarl liked taking the afternoon nap. Every time Tarl and Neil wake from the nap, there is a thick white mint setting on the night stand next to the bed, one for each boy. Tarl simply loved to stay with his gramma, and who wouldn’t? There was always plenty of food, lots of love and hugs, bingo and mints after a nap. Momma J was just wonderful. So was Aunt Ida! Momma J loved to watch Ed Sullivan, Tarl’s favorite on the Ed Sullivan show is Po Po Gigo, the mouse. Sometimes Tarl recalls how exciting it was to watch the Beatles for the first time on his gramma’s black and white T.V. Ed Sullivan is a very lucky man. All those famous people on his show and a talking mouse to boot. The best times of Tarl’s young childhood were spent with Momma J. At Momma J’s house Tarl was shielded from his dad’s abuse, with the love and adoration only his Gramma and great Aunt Ida could provide. One day Tarl asks his Momma J who Jesus is. There is a picture of Jesus hanging over Aunt Ida’s bed. Every Sunday at church everyone holds a hymnal and sings to Jesus or about Jesus or being with Jesus, Tarl doesn’t know who Jesus is! Momma J explains that Jesus is the son of God. If Tarl and everyone else are good they will get to see Jesus and live with Jesus forever. Confusion is nothing new to Tarl. Tarl wants to know how Momma J and Aunt Ida know Jesus and has Momma J ever met Jesus? “Oh no Tarl, we have not met Jesus.” Momma J smiles as she tells him “At least not yet!” “Well” Tarl says. “Then how do you know who he is or where he lives?” “Oh we know He existed! And we know He lives with God. So when we die we will live with Jesus too.” Momma J states knowingly. “This Jesus stuff is way too confusing gramma!” Tarl says as he walks away to play. Momma J and Aunt Ida don’t drive or even own a car, if they need to go any place either Charles or a friend from church will take them. Momma J and Aunt Ida walk to the grocery store located just about 7 short blocks away. They bring along a small metal cart on wheels so they will have something to carry the groceries back home with. Neil and Tarl like to walk to the grocery store with their gramma. Neil and Tarl play in the street as they walk with Gramma and Aunt watching after them. Both boys had fun raking leaves in gramma’s back yard and most times Momma J gives the boys a nickel for helping her. This gives the boys money to spend at the store. Tarl also likes to help Momma J with her laundry, but mostly he just watches her as she hangs the clothes on the lines located just outside the back door of her small house. Momma J and her sister Aunt Ida are both small, they each only stand about 4 foot 10 inches. Sometimes the boys joke about how soon they will be taller than gramma and Aunt Ida. Tarl’s gramma loves both boys and often showers them with hugs and kisses. Momma J is an affectionate woman and Aunt Ida loves the boys but Momma J is the one who give them lots of hugs. Tarl doesn’t understand why, if the family lives just down the street from Gramma J, why don’t they get to spend more time with these loving little women? Charles takes Tarl and his brother with him at least twice a week to visit his mother, but the boys’ only stay the weekend with Gramma once or twice a month. Also, Tarl doesn’t know why his siblings don’t spend much time at his gramma’s house, but he doesn’t really mind, that just means more attention for Tarl. The Monster in our house Its spring time in Las Vegas, the weather is beautiful with the temperature in the 80’s. Tarl over hears his dad on the phone, "Jeanne I'm going to Californiato the veterans hospital for treatment". Tarl asks his dad "Can Neil and I go with you to California"? If Charles had said Dallas Texas, Tarl would not have asked to go along. They shoot fathers over in Dallas Texas; they shot the President over there in Dallas Texas. Even if Tarl doesn’t like how mean his father is to him, he doesn’t want anyone to shoot him while he is driving. Charles, reluctant, gives in to his son's request. He really didn't want to be bothered with his boys around, but he thinks maybe their company will relieve some of his stress. After the long trip from Vegas to Loma Linda California, Charles and his boys check into a motel. What an adventure Tarl keeps thinking. Sitting across the bed from Tarl, Charles says, "Tarl, come here, do you want to see a match burn twice"? Tarl, excited, thinking his dad knew a magic trick. "Oh yea, dad", Tarl says with a big smile. Charles lights a match and puts it to his cigarette and puffs. Exhaling a mouth full of smoke, Charles blows out the flame of the match and puts the match to Tarl’s little arm. With a startle and the pain of the burn on his arm Tarl cries and runs to the other side of the motel room. Charles lets out a sinister laugh and says, "Tarl you just saw a match burn twice, now quit your crying you baby or I'll never take you anywhere again". Tarl thinking to himself, ‘If I'm going to get burned, I never want to go anywhere again’. Tarl thinks, ‘I bet when President Kennedy was alive he never burned John-john with matches’. The next day Charles and his boys are up early and off to the hospital. The day is sunny, cool and everything around the motel and just about everywhere Tarl looks is beautifully green. Ivy is growing all around and grows up the overpasses on the highway. Tarl is amazed by all the green plants, ivy, trees and grass that fill the landscape in every direction. What a different place, Las Vegas is always brown with the sand and desert all around, including the tumble weeds the size of small cars. Once the three arrive at the hospital, the doctor escorts Charles to his office, a nurse tells Tarl and Neil what a beautiful day it is then she tells the boys that “they should play outside”. The hospital is surrounded by a massive lawn. The lawn is well kept with tall trees all around, lots of plants and lots of flowers. Beautiful colors seem to surround the entire grounds. The middle of a park is a strange place for a hospital Tarl thinks. But this is Californiaand they probably do things different in California. After watching to see what room their dad entered the boys go outside. "Neil" Tarl says. "Let’s go find the window to dad’s room". The boys hurry off down the side of the hospital peeking in windows as they go by. Finding the correct window, excited at their achievement, they sneak a peek into the room. To their shock and amazement they see their dad in a chair with his hands strapped to his sides. Next, a metal bowl with needles protruding from the inside the bowl is lowering down upon their dad's head. In terror both boys cry out. The doctor hears the boys outside, he looks up to see two sets of eyes peering into the window. The doctor yells, "Go play, we'll call you when dads tests are finished". Tarl and Neil, both frightened, go play on the lawn for what seemed to be hours. Tarl can't stop thinking how angry and mean his dad has been. Tarl hopes that what ever operation his dad is having will make him nicer. There is a large silver tower at one side of the park or hospital grounds, the tower has stairs leading up to what looks like a gigantic silver ball on top with a walkway surrounding the entire ball. Never having seen a water tower before, the boys are amazed with the size of the silver ball. Tarl can’t figure out what the ball could be used for, yet he and Neil try their hardest to jump up and grab onto the stairs leading up to the silver ball on top. Not that either boy would be able or brave enough to climb up the stair, the fun was all in the trying. Charles comes out to the huge lawn to find his boys resting, both nearly asleep under a large tree. "Look boys", Charles bends down to show the boys the top of his head, full of needle marks that had penetrated his scalp. Tarl didn’t know what to make of the red marks which the needles had left on Charles scalp and Charles did not explain. Once they arrive home, Charles couldn’t wait to show the rest of the family his needle-ridden scalp. After dinner, Karen is talking to her siblings, "You know why he got those pins stuck in his head"? She asks. "Because he's crazy, that’s why". Tarl knew his dad was mean and monstrous but now his dad was also crazy. It was true, because his fourteen-year-old sister Karen would not lie about such things. A week later, Marc who is two years older than Tarl is sitting on the living room floor playing a board game with a friend. Tarl and little brother Neil are sitting on the floor watching the game. Charles was in his normal position, napping on the couch, as the boys played on the floor near the couch. Marc calls to his friend, "Cheater, you just cheated". From what seemed like out of nowhere, came Charles' fist with all 180 pounds behind it, lifting Marc off the floor face first, sending Marc sailing through the air across the living room, to land in a heap against the wall next to the fireplace. Marc, stunned, is holding his face sobbing as Tarl and Neil quickly clear out of Charles striking distance. Charles yells "don't you ever call anyone a cheater". Charles lies back down on the couch as if nothing had happened. Tarl and Neil run into the bathroom following Marc, his face already swollen and badly bruised. Marc, nine years old tries not to cry telling his little brothers, "I swear one day I'll kill him". A few weeks later all is not forgotten as one side of Marcs face is still blacken and bruised. Tarl has learned over the years that his mother will do little or nothing to stop Charles from abusing his children. Tarl knows when his sister Karen steps in to keep his brothers or sisters from Charles fists, she is beaten badly. Over the years Karen has stepped in and taken more beating for her siblings than anyone should ever have to count. . Neil, Tarl, Marc and their sister Terri are full of excitement as Roy Rogers and Dale Evans have come to the local television station and the kids get to see them in person. Tarl loves to watch the cowboy, western television shows Bonanza, Gun smoke, Have gun-will travel and the new show Daniel Boone. The Roy Rogers show starts at 11:00 a.m. so Charles drops off the four kids. "I'll come back and get you after while" Charles tells his kids. The four children along with some fifty others have a wonderful time. When the show is over at 1:00, all the children are given toys, including a paddle with a long rubber band attached with a ball on the end of the rubber band. Tarl was given a small stagecoach as a parting gift. How nice, Roy and Dale hand out toys before they leave. Tarl thinks Roy and Dale must be wonderful parents. Marc was given a wooden paddle with a heavy rubber band attached and a rubber ball attached to the end of the rubber band. What a great toy, Tarl decided, as he tries to keep the ball in the air by hitting it. The afternoon passes in fun with no sight of Charles to pick up his children. Terri, the oldest of the four, at age eleven, decides it is 5:00 and Charles has forgotten them again. This isn’t the first time that dad went missing when he was suppose to pick up the kids. All too familiar, Terri and Marc have been left many hours waiting after baseball practices, movies, even forgotten and left to spend the night at Grandma’s house. "Come on you guys, it's not far, we'll walk home". About an hour later and just a couple of miles or so traveled down the road by the children, Charles pulls up to them screaming, drunkenly, "Get in, you ungrateful little bastards; you just couldn't wait for me". The four children get into the truck with Charles, each knowing there is going to be hell to pay as Charles is furious with them. Charles yell curse words most of the way home. At home Charles sends the kids to their room to wait. When he comes into the room he sees the wooden paddle Marc was given and rips the rubber band with ball attached off. He yells, "Pull down your pants". All four children are lined up against the bunk beds with their back to Charles, each ones pants are lowered as Charles paddles each bare butt in turn. "Now get in bed," Charles yells. Crying and sore the children climb into bed. Tarl’s mind wanders to Roy Rogers and he wonders if Roybeat his children. Probably not! Because Roy Rogers is a man who gives gifts to the kids he doesn’t even know. Roy Rogers must be a good man. Tarl falls asleep with tears running down his pale white cheeks. Uncle Earl was Jeanne’s brother-in-law; he was married to Aunt Babe who was Jeanne’s sister. Tarl along with his siblings loved their Uncle Earl. Uncle Earl and Aunt Babe were on a bowling team with Tarl’s parents. Uncle Earl was around the house often, he also worked on cars with Charles. When uncle Earl was around he played with all the kids and the kids just loved him. On several occasions Jeanne had packed up the kids in the car and was leaving Charles for beating her. Jeanne always went to Earl because he was able to protect her from Charles. But then she always went back to him. Charles spent a lot of time at his mother’s house, which was great for Tarl even though he didn’t like sharing his Gramma. Charles was a momma’s boy, when Charles and Jeanne had any sort of argument Charles would take off and when not headed for the nearest bar, he would go his mother’s house. When Tarl was driving in the car with Charles he always watched to see what direction they were headed. Tarl had figured out exactly what streets Charles would use when going to his Momma J’s house. On Charleston Avenueseveral blocks west of Maryland Pkwy there sits a bank with a large statue of a Frontiersman. The statue reminds Tarl of one of his favorite television shows, Daniel Boone. The statue and the bank sit on the corner of the street which Charles uses when he is headed to Gramma J’s house. Charles is often involved with many different business ventures. Charles was part owner of a large color rock company in Las Vegas, but was some how swindled out of the company. Maybe that is what makes him so mean all the time. Or maybe he was so mean that the other owners kicked him out. Charles also owned used car lots, which he gave names after his kids. Charles also worked for a candy company called Wilgar cigar. Tarl’s uncle Earl had been working for the company and was able to get Charles a job. Charles delivers cigarettes, cigars and candy to the different stores and bars around the Las Vegas Valley. Charles had boxes and boxes of candy hidden in his bedroom closet. The kids of course found the candy and many times stole packets of candy bars. Charles loved chocolate and candy almost as much he loved his beer. It seems to Tarl that one of the children were often being yelled at, or hit, for taking dads candy. The kids had been warned many times not to touch their dad’s candy, but that just did not stop the children. By golly, candy is candy and the kids were usually hungry, seldom having much food in the house. Besides, Charles had as many as 10 boxes or more at any one time, scattered across the closet floor. How much candy can one dad eat, better still, how much candy will one dad miss? Black is black- Cracker Tarl enjoyed playing with many different schoolmates, but his favorite was Walter. Walter was almost a whole foot taller than Tarl and the rest of the class. Walter was black, but that didn't make any difference to Tarl. He never paid much attention to Walter's skin color. The boys played together every day at school for the entire first month of the school year. Marbles, kick ball, hopscotch. One day as Walter and Tarl are walking home from school, Walter tells Tarl, "I can't be yo’ friend no m’oos". "Why"? Tarl asks. "My momma says you a cracker and I can't plays with no crackaz". Walter tries to speed up his pace to get ahead of Tarl. Tarl is confused. "Walter, wait, what's a cracker"? Tarl asks as he tries to keep pace with Walter. "Don't know, but momma says you is one. So I can't plays with you no’s mo". Walter hurries down the street and away from Tarl. Tarl walks slowly home, bewildered. When did he become a cracker? And how did he become a cracker, Tarl wonders? Tarl sees Walter at school, mostly at recess on the playground. But Walter will not even look at Tarl. Little bewildered Tarl keeps his distance from Walter and often wonders what a cracker is? George was a boy who lived in the house across the street. Tarl seldom saw George outside, he knew of him only through Karen. Karen and George went to school together. One day Tarl over heard Karen telling a story of how George's father was a drunk and beat George just about every day. George would come to school with bruises all over his face and arm and most likely all over his body. That was if he showed up to school at all. Karen told of how George's dad had beaten him with a cast iron frying pan. When Tarl was outside he noticed that George's house was almost always dark. Not often any lights on inside or out. How scary Tarl thought, boy, almost every light in Tarl’s house was always on. But that didn’t stop Charles from abusing the family when he was in the house. Karen babysat for a woman two blocks over. The woman had two kids, a boy age two and a little girl not quite one. No one knew where the woman's husband was. He wasn't seen or talked about. Early one Saturday morning as Karen was walking to the store she saw both these babies hiding under the woman's car. Karen went over and picked up both children and knocked at the woman's door. After several minutes of knocking the door finally opens. A man stands in the doorway in his underwear. "Yeah", he says as he stares down at Karen. "These babies are almost naked and hiding under the car", Karen states, very upset. Maryland parkway was a busy street and the babies could easily get hit by a passing car. Karen pushes past the stranger and put both children down in the living room. Then Karen hurries out the door and on her way to the store. Soon gossip around the neighborhood tells of how this woman had no husband. She works at one of the casinos in town and sleeps with any man she can. Karen has a big heart and takes care of these babies whenever she can. The Beatles were touring the United Statesand Karen and Lynnjust loved the Beatles. The girls would hold up in their room for hours on end listening to the Beatle and avoiding the anger and wrath of Charles. Karen hated Charles very much, he was brutal to her whole family and she would intervene for her brothers and sisters as well as her mom when ever possible. Karen knew that her family had to be away from Charles for their safety. Karen often wore the bruises for standing her ground with Charles. Many times Karen stepped in to stick up for the person about to be hit by Charles, only to take the punishment herself. Several months have passed since the kids saw Roy and Dale, it’s the middle of summer, July or early August and Charles seems to always be on edge. He rages out of control for any reason. Tarl goes into his parent's bathroom to go pee. His brother Neil is standing outside the door watching their dad, hoping to steal another piece of candy. Charles walks in the bathroom and stands beside Tarl to pee. Innocently, Tarl looks at his dad’s penis then at his own in comparison and wonders if his penis will ever be that size. Charles sees Tarl look at his penis and slaps Tarl across the face "get out of here you little queer". Tarl, hurt and unaware of what a queer is, hurries away from his dad with fear. Standing beside their parent's bed Tarl and Neil watch as Charles picks up a small woven basket with a lid attached. Charles opens the lid to reveal a handgun is inside. "See this gun," Charles glares at his boys, "I'm gonna kill your mom with it". Then Charles walks out of the bedroom, into the living room checking the pistol for bullets. Tarl and Neil follow to see what will happen next. With Charles yelling about killing someone, Karen jumps the backyard fence to the neighbor's house to call the police. Luckily for Jeanne, the fighting had started earlier and she called her father, who in turn had called the police. As Charles is trying to find Jeanne in the house, he hears police sirens getting closer. Frustrated and panicked Charles flees through the back door, jumping fence after fence to get to his mother's house down the street. Jeanne and Karen rush into the house yelling, "Pack whatever you can and hurry". As the kids are packing, Tarl asks Terri, "But where are we going"? Terri says "Who cares, do you want to stay here"? Tarl thinks about the question for what seemed a long time and decides not, as if he had a choice! Tarl runs back into his parent’s bedroom and grabbed Charles pillow. If the family wasn't coming back to Charles this time, Tarl wanted something that belongs to his father. And if they were coming back, Tarl would have a present for his dad. Maybe Charles would be nicer to Tarl if he saw that Tarl had kept his pillow safe for him! With the family loaded into the car, Jeanne sets out for her sister's house but realizes that if Charles is not caught, her sister’s place would be the first place he would look for her. So she heads for her uncles house. Jeanne’s uncle Art lives on the out skirts of Vegas; he is a large, muscular man, a construction worker. Uncle Art is the uncle with the very deep voice, a voice which Tarl finds very reassuring, just like the voice of the family friend, Big John. Tarl’s family is split up for several months among Jeanne's sister and uncle and that is the last time Tarl sees his dad for several years. Just days earlier were the last days Tarl was to ever spend with his Momma J and Aunt Ida. Jeanne's sister is about eight years younger than Jeanne and is married with three children of her own. Her house can not accommodate more kids. Jeanne's uncle has no kids and is a wonderful man. Tarl is in awe of his great uncle. His uncle's build is large with very muscular and masculine features. His hair is short and white and he has a deep, deep voice. Tarl’s uncle is a construction worker and a man with a big appetite. All of Jeanne's children are amazed at how much their uncle can eat. Tarl’s uncle's name is Art and his wife, who is about half his height, her name is Ione. Jeanne and her children would love to stay with Art and Ione indefinitely, but that just is not possible. Uncle Art is also a beekeeper and the children enjoy watching their uncle from a distance as he handles the bees. Time spent at their uncle and aunt’s house is short and now it's time to move on. The Final Escape Life is rough for Jeanne but even tougher for her children. Moving the kids from her uncle’s house, Jeanne rents a house for her family. It is located on the far southeast side of town. While Las Vegas may be a small town, Jeanne felt safe there, away from Charles. Jeanne worked at the airport and put in long hours and after work she goes out with her friends. Tarl and his brothers and sisters have to learn to survive on their own. Karen now fifteen, has no choice, she takes over the role of both mother and father. Karen had basically been the one who had raised Jeanne's family and kept it together since Tarl was born eight years earlier. Jeanne had been too busy trying to stay out of Charles abusive way to have raised her own children. For Tarl and his siblings not a lot had changed, except the fact that Charles would not be there to abuse them any more. Food had always been scarce for the children, neither Jeanne nor Charles paid much attention to how well or how much the kids had to eat. Las Vegas was just one big desert play ground, at least, that is what Tarl had come to believe. When the family had moved to this new house, there was no fence in back of the house, giving the appearance that the back yard extended for miles. As far as Tarl could see, there was nothing but huge sand dunes. Sand dunes covered with what someone had said were bramble bush. Well, Tarl didn't know what that meant, but the sand dunes were six to ten foot high and covered with thick bushes that had thorns. Tarl soon found out that the dunes would move with the blowing desert wind. For Tarl, his brothers and Sister Terri, this place was a wonderful and expansive desert playground. One afternoon, as Tarl and two friends were walking home from school, one of the boys pick up a rock and threw it at a house. The woman who lived in the house rushed out as the boys walked down the street. Not knowing who threw the rock, the woman hit Tarl in the face, as she yelled at the boys. Tarl crying rushes home and tells Karen what has happened. Karen was short, only about 5 feet tall; she was as beautiful as she was tough. And Karen won't allow anyone to hit her brothers or sisters. Tarl and Karen walk back to the woman's house. Karen knocks on the door and when the woman opens the door Karen punches her in the face, "Don't ever touch my brother again," Karen says with a defiant voice. Karen and Tarl turn around and walk away, that neighbor never bothered any of Karen siblings again. Tarl is having a tough time in school. While he does okay in arithmetic, he can't read and he stutters. It seems that the only word that Tarl knows is “UM”. “Well um, and um, I um”, Tarl stutters horribly, “ a”, “the,the,the, a”. Tarl is put into a special class for reading. Tarl did poorly in all subjects because he couldn’t read and what he could read he couldn’t comprehend. He loves the special class, because whenever he does well the teacher gives him a star. Gold stars, blue stars, and red stars, Tarl’s beautiful deep blue eyes are attracted to shiny things and the stars shine. Tarl has lots of stars and is proud of his accomplishments. It is far better than being in a classroom where the other kids make fun of him for stuttering and his poor reading skills. Tarl is pleased with himself in the most important part of class, math. The teacher has set up a play store where the kids buy things and have to count change. Add, subtract and multiply, Tarl excels, he had to, for his survival. Tarl learned quick and first hand how to cash in coke and beer bottles for food. Tarl has learned how many bottles it will take to exchange for a package of cupcakes or a container of milk. Tarl spends half of each school day in his special class and then returns to his normal classroom. Mrs. Vanderchap is Tarl’s teacher. She is young with brown hair and a thin face. One day Tarl needs to use the bathroom, so he raises his hand to be excused. The next day at just about the same time of day as the day before, Tarl has to go pee again. So he raises his hand. Mrs. Vanderchap excuses Tarl, but warns him that this is becoming a habit and has to stop. Tarl doesn't understand, if I got to pee, I got to pee. The third day, Tarl raises his hand and requests permission to go to the bathroom. Mrs. Vanderchap refuses to let Tarl be excused. Tarl is upset he doesn't know how much longer he can hold it. Tarl watches the clock; it is an hour before school will let out. Tarl asks again to use the bathroom, but again Mrs. Vanderchap refuses Tarl’s request. Tarl holds out as long as he can, but with a half-hour to go before class is dismissed, Tarl can no longer hold it. Tarl pees in his pants. The little guy is so embarrassed he can't figure out how he is going to get pasted the teachers or his classmates with out them seeing his wet pants. The bell rings to dismiss class, but Tarl sits and waits until all of the other children are out of the class. The teacher is standing in the doorway telling Tarl to hurry. Mrs.Vanderchap turns out the lights and demands Tarl come out of class now. Tarl gets up from his desk, his pants wet and a puddle at his feet. He walks past his teacher in his wet pants and a cloud of humiliation. At 8 years old Tarl learns embarrassment. Tarl doesn't return to school for 3 days. When Karen asks Tarl why he isn't going to school, Tarl makes a different excuse each day. One day it is because he had no socks to wear. So Karen doesn't push him. On the forth day Tarl returns to school, he hates his teacher and what she did to him. He never forgives the teacher, every day he sees her and every day he thinks what a monster she must be. Tarl soon misses his Momma J. He remembers the warm feeling of his Gramma holding him against her. Tarl remembers the smell of his gramma soft dress, the one with the flower print designs. Tarl remembers how he thought his gramma made her dresses out of the same fabric as the curtains in her windows. Surely it was not true, Tarl never saw his gramma making curtains but her dress sure looked a lot like the curtains. Tarl misses the afternoon naps at Momma J’s house, where he woke up to find white mints next to the bed. He thinks of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the soft white bread that gramma made for him and he thinks of the cereal they ate for Sunday night dinners. Tarl misses his Aunt Ida too, but he misses his Momma J even more. Not wanting Charles to find them, for fear of more abuse, Karen and his sisters tell Tarl there is absolutely no more contact with his Momma J. Tarl is too young to fully understand, so Tarl calls his Grammas’ phone number, his Momma J answers, Tarl listens, just listens, to hear her loving voice. Momma J says "hello, hello, hello." Tarl never replies. All Tarl can do is listen until the old woman on the other end of the phone hangs up. Tears roll down Tarl’s pale white cheeks as he hangs up the phone. Tarl misses the love and affection his Momma J lavished on him. He also misses church and the stories he was taught of Jesus. How wonderful Jesus was to feed the poor and how Jesus turned the other cheek when someone hits it. Tarl is poor and hungry and wishes Jesus were here to feed him! Tarl wants to be like Jesus. He remembered his Momma J saying how much she loved Jesus. Tarl remembered that his Momma J and Aunt spoke of Jesus often, not just on Sundays, almost every day. If Tarl could be like Jesus, then no matter how far away his Momma J was, she would always love Tarl. And if Momma J always loved Tarl, she would find a way to bring Tarl back to her. There was seldom, if ever, any food in the house for Tarl or his siblings to eat. Tarl thought there may be nothing to eat, but at least they weren't getting beat and all the screaming and fighting had stopped. Karen and Lynn would baby-sit at the different neighbor’s houses and steal food from the neighbor’s kitchens to take home for all the kids to share. When Marc felt daring, or could wake up early enough, he would get up around 5 a.m., just after the milk man would deliver the neighborhood dairy products. Marc would open the silver boxes that sat on the neighboring porches; he would steal whatever had been left in the milk box and bring home milk, orange juice, and eggs. But most days at Tarl’s house, there was just no food. One day the hunger pains were more than Tarl could stand, it had been at least two days since Tarl had anything to eat. “Karen”, he asks with a sad face and big eyes, “can you get us anything, I am really hungry”. Karen can’t do anything, “Hey little guy I am sorry we don’t have any food. Lynnis babysitting tonight; maybe she can take something from the neighbor’s house for you”? Tarl goes across the street to Lynn’s boyfriend’s house where the kids spend a large amount of time. There were several boys who lived there. Tarl was hoping for some food. As he hangs around doing nothing he watches as mother of the house is eating a cookie. Tarl wants one so badly, but he is too ashamed and embarrassed to ask her for anything. Since his brother and sisters had not brought any food home, young Tarl decided to take matters into his own hands. Tarl put on a large black trench coat his brother Marc had found and he went down to the corner store. While the clerk wasn't looking Tarl filled all eight pockets of the coat with anything eatable. How Tarl got away with stealing food in a trench coat which had obviously belonged to a grown man and hung almost to the ground and in the middle of sweltering 110 degree summer heat, was any ones guess. Yet Tarl got away with the food. When one of the sisters or the sister’s friends could get their hands on a bag of flour Karen would mix together the flour and water in a paste and fry it for the kids to eat. One of Karen’s boyfriends and another friend knew just how bad things were for Karen and her brothers and sisters. The two male friends would find out who around the neighborhood was gone either for a week-end or gone for vacations and the boys would break into the house and steal as much food as possible and bring it over to Karen’s house. Karen was a proud girl, at age 16, almost a grown woman now, she didn’t like the idea of charity or the embarrassment of her poverty, so she told few friends just how bad it was at home. Tarl learned in those 3 and half years, that there were only two ways to cook flour and water paste, fry it or bake it. Not much taste and not much fun to eat, but all 6 children would do what they had to do just to survive. The Mama's and Papa's were singing "Monday, Monday" and Tarl grew to hate that song, because he soon began to hate Mondays. Monday meant a new school week. Tarl had to find clothes that weren't too ragged and socks that didn't have too many holes in them to wear to school. Tarl surely wasn't fashion conscious, but he and his brothers hurt for not having much to wear. The Mama's and Papa's also sang "leaving on a jet plane", a song Tarl loved to sing and wished he could do. Leave on a jet plane. Tarl did not know where he would like to go, just not Dallas Texaswhere they shoot Presidents. And not Las Vegas where fathers beat there family and the children go hungry. Chapter 2 Jesus At age 8, I Tarl, decided I want to be like Jesus, so if anyone were cruel or abusive to me, I would turn the other cheek. I decide to be kind and helpful to everyone, not just my family, but the teachers and neighbors. I will help the neighbors, I won’t get into any trouble at school and I will love everyone. Just like Momma J had read to me and Neil from her bible. Jesus loves and helps everyone. What about stealing food from the store and the neighbors?’ I thought for a brief time? New, the stealing food thing is okay, I believed Jesus wouldn’t mind. How else would I survive? When Terri and Lynn found out about my behavior they decided to test it out. "Neil" they said, "hit Tarl". So Neil punches me but I won't hit him back. "Stop, I won't hit him, he's my brother". I yell at the girls! "Hit him again Neil", Lynnsaid. So Neil hits me again harder. "Tarl hit him back". Terri is pushing and prodding me to fight. "No", I replied crying, "Jesus says to turn the other cheek". This went on for two hours, until my whole upper body, including my face and arms had been completely bruised, turning purple and black from the beating. Terri and Lynn finally convinced that I would not hit back, threw me in the shower in hopes that the bruises would disappear in case mom should see them. The bruises were slow to disappear and mom was seldom home, when she was home she paid little if any attention to me. So neither girl got in any trouble over the incident and I started living what I thought was the sort of life that Jesus would be living in my circumstances. I could not understand how people, even children, can be so cruel, especially to the ones they are supposed to love. Our house was open to all the neighbor kids, most of them were Karen and Lynn's friends. The neighborhood kids aged from 15 years old to at least 25. With three beautiful girls living in my house, the older guys came around along with the younger ones. The guys would go down three houses to Paul's house to buy pot or have him buy them some beer. Yet in return they always gave Paul a rough time for acting like a girl. It got to the point that the guys in the neighborhood beat Paul up so many times, he put security bars on all his windows, then finally sold his house. At age 8, I didn't understand why they beat up someone who was doing them favors. My brother Marc tried to explain that "Paul is a queer, so the other guys beat him up". I didn't understand. The best part about having an open house was that there were often empty bottles lying around the house, those beer bottle could be returned to the store for money. Money meant food. The morning after there was a party at our house. Neil, Marc or I would hunt the rooms, the yard and the surrounding neighbor house yards for beer or pop bottles. If a full beer bottle were found we would simply open the bottle, pour out the beer and return the bottle for money. Bottle deposits they were called and we got more money for the bigger bottles. When ever I saw a bottle my first though was to grab it, hide it and I would have something to eat that day or the next. Marc was always on the look-out for the hiding places where Neil and I would stash our bottle treasure. One day Marc checked inside the washing machine located just out side the front door. The washing machine was where I kept my bottles since most of us didn’t like to wash our clothes. As I walked out the door and rounded the corner of the house, I saw Marc stealing my bottles from the washing machine. “Marc, those are mine. You can’t take those”! As I grabbed for my bottles Marc punched me in the chest. “You are not supposed to steal”! I yelled at him. “Who says”? Marc. “Jesus, for one”. Tarl Says. “So is Jesus gonna stop me? He sure didn’t stop Neil from beating the shit out of you last week”. Marc My eyes welled up with tears, as I grabbed for my bottles. “Listen little brother, Jesus doesn’t exist”! “Sure He exists!” I yell, grabbing at Marcs arm to retrieve my bottles. “When was the last time Jesus was here?” Marc yells. “When was the last time Jesus gave you food or brought you socks to wear”? Marc laughs. “Jesus does exist! Just ask momma J.” “Your Momma J isn’t here to help you anymore and neither is her Jesus”! Marc yells as his temper begins to flare up. “You’re stupid”! Marc yells. “I know it is from all those tranquillizers you took”. Marc was now screaming at me. Marc blamed my behavior on the fact that I took tranquillizers when I was 3 and was in a coma. Marc said taking all those pills and being in a coma made me stupid. “But it doesn’t matter why you are stupid, no one is gonna protect you or give you food”. “Not your Momma J and not her stupid fucking Jesus”! Marc punched me again hard in the chest as he pushed by me with my beer bottles in his arms. He mumbles ‘you stupid little brother’. I hope Marc was wrong, I hope Jesus exists! If Momma J said Jesus exists, then it must be true. Maybe no one, not even Jesus, is going to give me food or bring me socks, but if I act the way Jesus did, then God will love me. And Momma J and Aunt Ida will always remember me and love me. And Momma J and Aunt Ida will find a way to see me again and help me. I sure do miss them! written by © Tarl Jespersen